A Day in The Life

We all have those days. I awoke this morning all achy, runny nose, and a head ache. Robin got up and went to church, but she was tired and run down as well. So this afternoon we crawled into the bed, Lucy the Wonder Dog also for a nice nap.

When you've been with somebody for a long time, so many things you do are incredibly synchronized, whether it be taking naps or going to the rest room or simply having the same thought at the same moment. We look at each other and just smile. Love's like that you know. Today we fell asleep together, and as if on queue we all three awakened as well. She and I exchange a soft sleepy smile and quietly whisper "I love you." Then we turn to Lucy who is stretching and we pet her as she yawns, then leans back into the neck/back scratch to expose a soft underbelly ripe for petting as well.

These are the routines of love. They are the symbols of commitment, and I would assert what we feel for each other is holy. We have committed to each other for a lifetime, not because we had to or because it is the right thing to do, but because our love is a piece of the sacred.

Now some would contend we are evil. That we are lustful emissaries of the Dark Lord intent upon the destruction of all that is sacred. Really? It really is much simpler than that. We are two women committing our lives to each other, not just while it's easy, but through whatever comes our way. It is a spiritual love, and a creative force in our lives.

I reach across to her, and our lips touch lightly. Then we turn to get up from our nap, somewhat refreshed and always humbled by the special love we share. This is not profanity but the very essence of what love between two people can be all about.

For those who rely upon the Bible, I would ask you, do you recall the conversation Jesus had with the Pharisees? If you recall correctly, Jesus was asked how he could defend healing the sick on the Sabbath. In a similar conversation with the disciples, they proclaimed their alarm that someone who was not of their belief had been healing as well. To both, his reply was simple. If you are doing the work of the Father, then how could you be opposing Him? Now to you who cling to the law I likewise ask, how can two people practicing the very love your scriptures teach you be diminishing in any way the holy sacrament of marriage?

Whether you recognize our relationships or not, we will still love and cherish each other. It is a marriage whether named or not. But seriously, how nice it would be if society could embrace the love we feel, and give us the same sanction and yes the civil rights offered to other married couples today. The vote this November will not legalize our marriages unfortunately. However it will embrace your unfounded fear in the very document that should apply for all of us. I pray all who read this will simply vote no to adding prejudice to our constitution. Vote for inclusion this November by voting NO to this and the other exclusionary amendment.

Meanwhile Robin and I will do what we've always done. The sacred will prevail amidst the profane. Love is like that. We remain two old sneakers, too comfortable to get rid of and just one sneaker doesn't work at all.

May your blessings be.

Love and Civic Responsibility

Love without action is meaningless, and social justice demands our participation in becoming the change we desire in the world. That sometimes means political work, speaking out for justice, marching in the face of bigotry, and using the instruments available in society to bring about that change. This year especially, the choices are abundantly clear, and while neither party embodies my vision for a just world, one does so more than the other. In addition, people are organizing against justice and are attempting to enshrine bigotry in our institutions. The vote is a one power we still can exercise to rebuff such efforts in our part of the world at least and work for a better world.

It was interesting today as I began to research the various candidates that are appearing on my ballot. Views of some down ballot were driven by extremism political and religious from which I recoiled. Guessing on those votes seems most unwise. I thought it might be interesting to share the choices I made in my election ballot, and why I made those particular choices. So here they are, race by race:

President of the United States and VP of the United States

I am voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

I had to remember that while I sometimes have disapproved of their actions the past four years, a third party candidacy is designed to fail in our system and I vehemently disapprove of the Ayn Rand model of government proposed by the Republicans.

U.S. Senator

Amy Klobuchar for the same logic offered for president.

U.S. Representative

Keith Ellison. He’s a progressive candidate who more than any other in the field embodies my own vision of good government and justice.

State Senator

Kari Dziedzick is the DFL candidate. I tend to vote DFL most of the time in these races because the DFL embodies my philosophy most of the two major parties.

State Representative Diane Loeffler, DFL has done a good job in the past and will continue to so I presume.

Constitutional Amendments

Amendment 1: Recognition of marriage solely between one man and one woman. I shall cast a RESOUNDING NO! to this amendment. It enshrines bigotry and attacks my own marriage along with many others. Hate has no place in our constitution.

Amendment 2: Photo identification required for voting. Again a RESOUNDING NO! Repeated studies show such an amendment would disenfranchise literally thousands of voters who otherwise would be eligible, despite the fact NO valid study has shown there to be any rampant voter fraud. Heaven knows they looked in the recent Franken/Coleman Senate race but despite that election being put under the microscope, no fraud was found at all. Not one single case.

County Offices:

Commissioner District 2: Blong Yang. Both seem to be qualified, but Yang seems more a man of the people while Linda Higgins seems more tied to business concerns. Furthermore Yang is Hmong and it would be nice to see our elected officials reflect the diversity in our county.

Soil and Water District Supervisor

District 1: Eleanore Wesserle. She is committed to environmentalism and sustainability which is exactly who we need in such a position. Frankly nothing is available on line for her opponent, and I don’t vote for someone I know nothing about and who does not make that information available. These positions have so much to do with the fate of the wetlands and and ag policy in our county and state, so who we choose is important.

District 3: Brian Peterson was my choice. He seems qualified, and his opponent is a known tea party extremist sort who would likely serve interests other than the environment.

District 4: Richard Strong is my choice. He seems qualified and again, no information was available on his opponent.

District 5: Danny Nadeu is unopposed.

School Board

At Large District 1: I am going with DFL’er, Carla Bates. Doug Mann would be okay too, but I just think Carla Bates would be more effective.

Judicial Offices

Chief Justice: Lorie Skjerven Gildea, incumbent. Her opponent Dan Griffith is allied with the right wing efforts to grab judgeships and doesn’t represent my philosophy.

Associate Judge 1: Barry Anderson has done fine. Dean Barkley is a mixed bag. An independent, he has come out opposed to requirements to hiring equity for women and other minorities in the past.

Associate Judge 4: David Stras is well qualified, while his opponent Tim Tingelstad is another religious extremist.

Court of Appeals

Judge 6 and 7 unopposed.

4th District Court

Judge 22: I chose Steven Antolak based on his AFL-CIO endorsement, but his opponent Elizabeth V. Cutter seems likewise to be a good choice.

Judge 44: Mark Berris was my choice. His opponent Lois Conroy has a somewhat checkered history when it comes to civil rights. That’s not a good prospect for a judge.

Judges 33, 35, 40, 45, 46, 48, 49, 50, and 59 are all unopposed.

I always cast a vote in unopposed candidacies unless I have information the candidate is particularly offensive. In down race ballots, a stealth write in campaign could render results I would not like.

So that is how I selected my candidates this year. I’ll be voting absentee in the next few days. I urge everyone, learn about your down ballot candidates. Who gets those offices in many ways affect our day to day lives more than some of the big races. Also, another thought. I learned in my search that the more extreme tea party folks have already done their research and it is readily available on the web. It could be a huge mistake if the progressives of our state do not do the same. Ignorance in voting can be detrimental to all of us. In standing on the side of love, it is our obligation to know who we are voting for. Happy election everyone!

To My Straight Friends, What if We Questioned Your Marriage?

Some years back, I saw a movie entitled Watermelon Man. In the movie,the character, played by Godfrey Cambridge, is a bigoted white man who awakens one morning to find he has black skin. Those with privilege rarely even realize it, as the character finds out in his new life.

Follow me on an imaginary flight of fancy, where you find yourself in a world where the overwhelming majority of folks are gay, and only perhaps ten percent are heterosexual. The society multiplies by use of techniques like in vitro fertilization or agreed upon cohabitation by the bisexual members of that really gay world.

Early on, you develop an awareness. After all, some folks hate you, see you as an enemy to their society, and will attack and/or kill you. Straight children are bullied by their classmates, fists flying accompanied by cries of "HETRO!" "Breeder!" With each new person you meet, you must assess how much you want to share about yourself. Preachers after all have associated you with evil incarnate, and some even call you a terrorist. For what? Well you dare love your girlfriend/boyfriend, or your life partner. Note I didn't say spouse, because laws don't really allow that in most places. You had actually tried to be gay, having been married once to a same sex partner. But it just didn't work. You cared for your partner, but as a friend, not a spouse. It simply wasn't your nature to be gay. So finally you came out and embraced your heterosexuality. Sadly your family did not understand, and they all disowned you, leaving you to seek family among your friends instead. Friends were lost, and if you were under age when it happened, you might have been kicked out onto the streets.

Your co-workers are talking about their life at home. You're silent, for if you dare start talking about your home life, they look at you, some thinking to themselves that you could not know what real love is. They assume you're a prisoner of lust. "But I was born this way." Some reluctantly agree, while others find that impossible. God surely wouldn't make a person straight for heaven's sake! Their thought processes could not get beyond the sex act to realize your love was just as profound as their own, and a basic human need most people desire in life. They cannot understand you would really want to live your entire life in a partnership that embodies, love, caring, fidelity, all the things marriages are about.

One day you are in a car wreck. You are sent to the hospital and are in ICU in serious condition. Semi-conscious, your mind goes to your soul mate. However that person never appears. Seems your bigoted dads opted to keep your beloved out of ICU. The person most important to you cannot get in to see you. In your state, your dads get a power of attorney to handle your business. They enter your home and sell much of what your partner and you had obtained together in a lifetime. You'd meant to get those powers of attorney, will etc prepared, but that cost a lot of money, money the two of you with low paying jobs could not afford.

What if you died? Dads ,might get the rest of your possessions (and your partner's). The funeral was a lovely one, but your soul mate was not allowed to attend. The pastor in the pulpit speaks of your sinful existence on this world, but is convinced that at the last moment of your life you prayed for forgiveness and were healed of demon heterosexuality. So convinced that is what he tells everybody else, who nod knowing no one really is born that way after all.

Yep, there were lots of folks out there who got it, and could accept you for who you are. But even they were often lukewarm when it came to standing up for your basic civil rights, and some were not at all sure you should be able to do anything as radical as get married. Too often they just remained silent.

So back to the real world. Everything I wrote above has happened in real life to people I have known. They were gay in a straight dominated world. Our hearts have expanded over the last several years. I recall when one of the worst abusers of gay people were the police who could act aggressively for no reason and face no consequences for their actions. One judge I recall acquitted a man who killed another because the man he killed was homosexual and probably had it coming. Now rights have been extended in some states and even marriage rights in a few. We are on the cusp of equality ready to grasp her sweet fruits and move towards that more perfect union. Some want to go back to an uglier time, but that is not what the future holds in store for us. Currently we are in the midst of a campaign to enshrine prejudice in our state constitution in Minnesota. I've got faith though, and I've got hope. We've a chance to say no to the bigotry that leads us to vote on two amendments, one targeted at the gay population, the other to the poor, students, elderly etc (Voter ID.) It is our great opportunity to vote NO on both, and further tilt the moral arc of the universe towards justice. (Thank you Theodore Parker and Dr. Martin Luther King.)

May love heal our hearts and justice triumph. May it be so.

First and Forever True Love

I still remember the evening I met him. I had not begun transition, but was seriously thinking about it. As a Roman Catholic at that time, I decided to attend services at the Houston area Dignity Chapter, an organization for lgbt Catholics. It was the Sunday before Holy Week. When I walked in, I met this tall thin man who was greeting. We began to chat, and I learned his name was Skip. Another greeter took charge of the people coming in and we continued, first about the congregation and services, and then sharing about ourselves.The attraction was immediate and neither of us wanted to stop. When it came time for the mass to start, we walked in together, sitting towards the back and out of the way, whispering to each other with an urgency that resembled teen school girls. We sort of behaved ourselves for the eucharist, but then sat outside for next couple of hours in front of the church hungry for every piece of information the other could share about themselves. We just could not stop talking. Here's a good place to interject, less there be some confusion. Some might ask, are you bisexual? I don't think so, though it would be just fine if I were. But prior to my transition, I was attracted primarily to men. Skip met me as a man. He was far enough on the scale that he had never even dated a woman. It just was never an option. I had, and tried hard to be straight, but that just was not who I was. So when I transitioned, those hormones began rewiring my body, and I believe my brain as well. On the other side I was attracted to women primarily, though I still loved Skip. Love doesn't just go away after all, and the love the two of us shared transcended all the other stuff. Yes it is confusing, and even more so for me who experienced it. But while he was alive, we talked in depth about what was going on, confronting fear and insecurity and choosing to live in love. So that night, we agreed to meet up at church for Good Friday services, then go out afterwards. We went to a local gay piano bar and sang Broadway tunes and laughed and sang together. Then we went back to the church where his car was parked still. There in the lot we sat, talking quietly until 4 in the morning. He looked into my eyes, and asked if he could kiss me. I said yes, and I think he believed it might be a cursory kiss, but I had different plans. It was definitely lip lock for sure. Breathlessly we became aware that two men kissing in a church parking lot on a street that had traffic even at that early hour might not be the wisest course, so we agreed it was time to end the evening, and each of us went home. By the time I arrived at my apartment, I already had two messages from him on my answering machine. I called him back and we quietly chatted until I could hold my eyes open no longer. After that we spent every spare minute we could together. Leisurely walks on the Rice University campus. Hot tea at a local tea house after I'd get off work. I'm not even a fan of hot tea, but honey fixes anything. I'd pour the honey in my tea and he'd laugh, asking, "Have some tea with that honey dear?" In other ways we were different too. He could be so serious while I tended to be more laid back. He'd have to take a double take sometimes because my humor was sufficiently dry as to go right over his head. Understand he was not a stupid man. He held degrees in English, German, Latin, and Classical Greek (majors) plus minors in Philosophy, Theology, and Music. In so many ways he really was a man for all season. He adored classical music, and in our years together, he gave me an appreciation of it as well. But our differences seemed to complement rather than divide us. Early on we knew this was something more than ordinary. There were things we had to talk about. I was so nervous the day I broached the topic of my transgender identity. He listened to me carefully and asked all the right questions. He understood that one day I'd lose that one part of the my physical being that identified him and I as gay men. Yet he looked in my eyes and affirmed, "I'm not going anywhere. Perhaps it would have been different before I came to know and love you. But now I love you, and this changes nothing." He paused and said, "Love is like that you know." He had his own issues we needed to discuss. He had his own fear, that of rejection due to his health. He had rheumatoid arthritis which had become progressively worse over 23 years. He lived in constant pain, and when we met, he only could take some tutoring positions because the days he'd be able to teach which he loved dearly were unpredictable. But see, I loved this erudite amazing man. Like he would say, love is like that you know. HERE WE ARE BEFORE TRANSITION WAS COMPLETE: Our time together was amazing. We never stopped talking, though we could complete each other's sentences after awhile. Wherever one of us was, there was the other. He had the constant pain of course, but one of my greatest joys was giving him the daily massage to sooth those sore places. His all time favorite place was Galveston, and we'd drive down and spend the weekend sometimes. Even when as the disease progressed, he was in so much pain he often had to use a wheel chair, yet every day he'd hobble out to the parking area to greet me when I got home, with a kiss and an offer to help carry my things from work. And what a romantic he could be. I'd let him know I was having a hard day at work, only to come home and find dinner being prepared. He'd usher me into the bathroom where he'd have a bath drawn and once even rose petals floating in the water, all with candle light of course. After my bath we'd share dinner together, and all the difficulty of the day would be gone. I'll always treasure the wedding ceremony we shared, thanks to a gay priest who knew we would keep the confidence. It really was until death do us part, and I believe even after that, the love is forever. He was able to draw social security which helped and while we lived on the edge financially, it was a beautiful life we shared together. Then one day, because of one of the meds he was taking we learned later, he began to have difficulty speaking in a loud voice. The doctor began a regimen of infusion therapies. But it seemed to get worse, not better. The nurse was concerned. Then one night, he collapsed in the bathroom. An ambulance rushed us to the hospital, but he slipped into coma. A few weeks later he passed away. I've got a lot to say about this in a future blog post, but it is worthwhile to mention something about those last days. I sat with him day and night. In what became his last night on this earth, I visited the local public radio station. The announcer for the late night gay programming arranged for us to deliver a special tribute to Skip. The nurses put the radio beside his ear so he could hear. There we played a favorite song he had actually the songwriter with saying "I'll be there for you." The nurses later said a tear formed in his eye and rolled down his cheek. When I got home, the phone was ringing. It was the hospital. The nurses told me the time had come. I rushed to the hospital. Holding his hand, I quietly told him how much I loved him. "I love you so much, and if it were possible for you to return, no one would be happier than I. But it seems it is time to go. You have my blessing my beloved, and I'll be okay." Okay I lied about that last part. His eyes were open, and though he did not have the strength to speak, he followed me about the room. With him I sat the next several hours, wiping his brow, holding his hand and loving him with all my heart. Then he breathed his last. What a blessing to have known such love. I defy anybody to tell me that this spiritual gift applies to me any less than it does for anybody else. Healing did not happen overnight, but I did get better. The memories now are imbued with the soft glow of time. The love remains just as true, even as it is with Robin. Love is like that you know.

37 Days Before They Vote on My Family

I doubt that I'm alone in recalling every tiny detail of my wedding day. Like most people profoundly in love, it's something very special. For us, it was a solemn commitment, to each other and to the world outside declaring a partnership formed in love and commitment not just for that day, but for the rest of our lives. We'd had the conversations with the minister. We'd spent long hours over the previous weeks and months talking, sharing, preparing for just this day. I was no spring chicken. Indeed I'd had another long term commitment, one that ended when my beloved Skip became ill and died from encephalitis a few years earlier. There's a real advantage I think to coming to find love later in life. It certainly was for me anyway. For one, I'd learned to discern the difference between lust and love. I was far less likely as well to try to change a partner. Our differences were there as they are with most couples I think, but we'd talked about them and come to a resolution before the wedding day. Then again, we had some other issues as well. Our wedding was not the usual man and wife circumstance. I had transitioned some time earlier, and was legally female. A narrow court decision in Texas allowed us the window to get married. So there was a LOT of media attention. A Houston radio station devoted two hours to dragging our names through the mud. Lots of couples don't have protesters at their weddings. We did however. Still, to a degree greater than I would have guessed, most people were nice, and many supportive. I think that may be because we spoke not of gay marriage, but rather of the love the two of us shared. Deep down inside I think, most people love a good love story. It seems to be a natural desire and urge for many of us. So on that September day in San Antonio, in a wedding put on by the local community, we exchanged our vows, followed by a quick press interview before we could finish our celebrations. Now I know how I felt that day. Clearly it radiated outward, because people said they'd never seen me so at peace or with such a smile as I had that day. One friend said we both were radiating the love we felt for each other. See, we may have had different circumstances, but the love we professed is more universal than mere categories can define. Before our Creator and the world, we said we were wife and wife, and it just felt exactly right for both of us. 2 of the Protesters outside the gates Love inside the gates I suppose I will never fully understand why the love we share is such an issue with some folks. We professed our love in a religious ceremony, just the same as anyone else. It's been 12 years since that wedding took place, and 13 years since we became a couple. Does anyone really believe a God could be so cruel as to create us to love another, then ask us to deny that love? I understand some do not believe in what we do, but then should we be denied those many benefits available through marriage because of their personal belief? I don't pretend to have the answers, but I do have my answers. Just as we said prior to our wedding, Love is Love. Love is All There Is. Our love transcends the narrow minded perspective of modern day pharisees clinging to the law and ignoring the greater imperative of Love. So in 37 days, voters will try to enshrine their misguided belief that would make Robin and me different in the eyes of the courts. It's anybody's guess how Minnesota law will treat the love recognized by one court in the state of Texas. One thing they cannot do however. Love prevails over ALL things. My prayer is that reason reigns in November. But whatever happens, our commitment, our hearts, our lives will remain entwined. Just as we swore on that September day and just as we have watched that love grow each day we have been together. What love has created, none can cast asunder. Meanwhile we live with hope, for ultimately justice will prevail. May it happen sooner rather than later.